D
oggy Style

by Greentea

 

T

hey are weird animals, these humans.

Like, the house is plenty big enough for the four of us. My corner is cozy and warm. I love my mat in my corner. It's by the stove and it's mine alone. We have more than enough suitable corners in the kitchen and by the fireplace in the living room for each of us, but my three roommates somehow prefer to lie all on the same mat. They'll even pile on top of each other, although theirs is a huge mat. Usually on top of Walter. If they're home during the day, same thing. Maybe because Alex and Fox's furs are so sparse, they get cold and seek the others' warmth.

Although Alex is a Black Terrier¹, Fox must worry a lot about him getting cold, because he'll be tapping like crazy at his laptop, too busy to play with me, but then Alex comes out of the bathroom, and even if he's still warm and steamy from the shower, just because he's walking only in his fur, paff! Fox skips chasing after him and flings himself at him, his paws all over Alex's body the way they won't allow me to do to them. Then they go lie on top of each other on that big, soft mat of theirs upstairs, Walter jumps into the heap and the noisy game starts again.

On the one hand, they complain about it. Loud. Moans and whimpers and gasps and hollers. On the other hand, they smell happy. And they don't try to break free... At some point I figured they must like it. So I stopped barking at the one who was making the other scream. Better that way. Anyway, I never got any thanks from the one complaining.

Oh and…they don't let me lick them, they say it's bad manners. However, they adore the others' tongues on them, even though they don't limit themselves to licking face and hands like polite dogs do. Bah, who understands humans?

Sometimes they imitate us dogs copulating. They call it doggy style. But it's not nearly our style. We don't have a third dog humping the mating couple…

I know it's the end of the game when I smell the spurt of spicy scent for the third time.

Then suddenly the noise ends and we all take a nap.
 

H

umans are simply untrained pets. That's my conclusion, from what I've observed. If they'd been trained, they'd know better than to go pee and poo inside the house. That's a no-no.

Same goes for food. You don't open the fridge, that's forbidden. And you don't take out all those goodies that are in there. They should munch only the little brown bones, like I do, that's what we buy them for. Never, ever, grab anything from the tables in the house. At least, that's what I was taught.

Moreover, a well-trained pet doesn't bellow and become all pouty when the leash is attached to its collar, like Fox does. On the contrary, you're supposed to be happy if they're taking you for a stroll! But then again, Walter only walks him inside the house…

Alex used to be well-trained at the beginning. Then, slowly, the others untrained him. The first night he arrived here, while Walter and Fox were in the shower, he took a corner in the kitchen and went to sleep there quietly, beside me, like a good pet. But Fox saw him and he immediately called Walter. Walter rushed down in his bathrobe and slippers, frowned at Alex and pointed a firm finger to the bedroom upstairs. With me, it's the other way round. If I lay on their mat, he'd frown and point down to the kitchen. Go figure!

Definitely, humans are born well behaved and become impolite as they grow older. When someone comes in, it's good form to greet them by jumping onto them and checking their mouths with ours for a moment to see if they brought us any food. Little kids do jump onto visitors. My roommates, instead, consider themselves adults. So they raise their mouths at each other from a distance first, and then they take a long while coming close. Once they start greeting, however, takes them ages to get done. They're so slow at it. They keep searching and searching inside each other's mouths, and invariably find nothing. Not very bright. Why they seem so delighted afterwards, beats me!

Yes, humans play puzzling games. There's this game we play a lot, must be the human version of hide and seek. Foxy and Ratty (well, actually, that's not what they call each other when they're playing this game) start by yelling at each other, then Alex has to pack his knapsack as quickly as he can, put on his jacket and sneak out of the house. After that, Walter has to get dressed fast and we run out to see who discovers first where Alex is hiding, which is usually in the park or at the bar. I always win, because I can smell him from far away and Walter can't. We usually play this game at night, which makes it all the less fun, in my modest opinion. I wonder why Alex plays; he doesn't seem to enjoy it much himself either. He always has a tear under his eye when I finally catch him.

The other night, we were in a very good mood. The house was warm all over; it smelled exquisitely of home cooking. We celebrated that Fox had dragged in a tree. I wasn't allowed to pee on it, though, because it might short-circuit, what with all those light bulbs and wires they put on it. But I dined on French cuisine scraps and got two cookies after dinner.

The next morning we sat under the tree, rummaged in the boxes lying there, smiled at what was inside and hugged. I chose the box with the dried pig ears. I got to it first, with my better sense of smell. Walter found himself a new pair of glasses, long, black ones, and he looked through the window with them at the snow. Fox found a small pad with a little stick he keeps poking it with.

And Alex, poor thing, because he didn't dare open any boxes at first, probably thinking he wouldn't be allowed to take anything he found there, was left with the black flat metal case with a tail that has to go into the wall first if you want the box to light up and make sounds. He cried a little, but anyway he said it was his first "Happy Christmas".


THE END

Happy Christmas and Hanukkah to everyone !!!!!!!!!!!

(¹) Black Terrier is a Russian breed (used to low temperatures, big, black, strong, muscled, has pulpy lips. Reliable, easy to train, distrustful of strangers, resilient, brave, alert, excellent defense reactions, good guard)

Please click here to send Feedback to the Author
 

© These pages are copyright to their authors and may not be reproduced without permission of the author.
All rights of others in characters and names remain the property of those authors. No attempt is made to supersede or infringe upon the copyrights held by the television and film companies upon which these materials are based