cully said that I seemed abstracted... inattentive, and when I thought about it I had to agree. We were supposed to be talking about the forthcoming Christmas celebrations, the party, who would be covering which shift, but all I could think about was Alex. Ever since he came back to us, alive and whole... a leader of the resistance, my attention span has gone to hell. Instead of rational thoughts about missions and objectives, my inner mind keeps replaying, in full-colour video mode, all the times we met, starting right from when he stood in the bull-pen in that cheap suit and introduced himself to me.... Krycek, Alex Krycek. Because he wasn't Scully, I tried to ignore him, and ditched him, but he still stuck to me like a burr tangled in my coat-tails.
I often used to ditch Scully, too, but he wasn't to know that; and I guess I hurt his feelings, because he was angry when he caught up with me.
I still can't help but wonder what would have happened...
...If I had been more welcoming at that first meeting, would our lives have been different?
...If I hadn't hit him when I caught him hanging round my apartment building... what would he have told me?
...If the alien hadn't taken control of him in Hong Kong... would he have confided in me?
I have so many questions that need an answer... questions I have been warned by the hierarchy not to ask, and that adds fuel to the anger inside me.
Since Alex arrived in our midst with the help and knowledge that we needed, I haven't been able to keep my mind off of him for very long. Each time I find my mind wandering I have a stern talk with myself, and bludgeon down my feelings until I can function again, but I only need one glimpse and all the walls I've built come tumbling down... and that was what had brought about Scully acid comments to me earlier.
I had caught glimpse of Alex early this morning. He had come into the gym for his daily workout, and all thoughts of meetings and Christmas had scattered to the winds, as the red haze of anger had descended over my eyes. I wonder if he noticed that I fled the gym as soon as he came in, to prevent myself from hitting out at him again. Usually I make sure that I have showered and left the locker room long before he arrives.
I know that friends and colleagues try to keep us apart, because if we're in the same room for more than a few minutes we argue over the slightest thing. Scully called it "channelling our inner two-year-olds" after our last shouting yesterday.
My feet had woven their own path through the corridors, and I found myself outside the labs where the Lone Gunmen had set up shop... even their presence here reminded me that Alex had brought them back with him, had helped them fake their deaths and escape vengeance. I just couldn't get away from his influence no matter where I went in this underground fortress.
I heard Langly's voice and I stopped just outside the open door, undecided whether to go in or not. "...arguing again," he said. "Every decision takes longer than it should, because they can't agree. It's like watching two scorpions doing a mating dance, they want to fuck one another, but are too scared of the consequences, the sting in the other's tail, to take the chance."
I felt the blood draining from my face and had to hold on to the wall for support, knowing that they could only be talking about me and Alex.
Not waiting to hear any more, I turned away and hurried to my room, my heart thumping and my mind in a whirl. With the door closed and locked behind me, and the lights turned down low, I flopped down on my bed and stared up at the ceiling, thinking really, really hard about all the past interactions between Alex and myself....
I woke up several hours later, not really knowing when I had drifted off to sleep. Yet, sometime during those hours, I had, apparently, made up my mind exactly what I was going to do.
I quickly left my room, and made my way through the corridors to where I knew Alex was quartered. Taking a deep breath, and screwing up my courage, I rapped on the door, and waited... and waited....
Just as I was going to knock on the door again, it was opened and Alex was staring, wide-eyed, at me.
"May I come in?" I asked politely. His eyebrows went up almost into his hairline. "Please," I added.
Still looking very surprised, and just a little skeptical, Alex stepped back and let me enter.
I walked part of the way in, and looked around. His room was about the same size as mine, just furnished slightly differently. As well as the ubiquitous double bed, and comfy chairs, he also had a large sofa and a coffee table... I guess that was a matter of his choice.
After he had closed the door, he came and stood between me and the bed, and I suddenly felt tongue-tied. I didn't know where to start.
"What did you want, Mulder," he asked mildly, and that suddenly made it easier for me to start talking.
"I had something of an epiphany today, Alex... I wanted to apologize... and offer a kind of explanation. I need you to hear me out-"
"Okay," Alex interrupted me. "I'll listen." He crossed his arms over his chest, and raised an enquiring eyebrow at me.
"The difficulty is knowing where to start," I muttered, and saw Alex's lips quirk into a slight grin. I cleared my throat to cover the sudden heat the sight had generated, and then took a deep breath. "For a long time after Diana and I discovered the X-Files I worked alone, then Scully was assigned to the department as my partner. We worked well together and our solve rate was good for the number of cases we investigated. Then we got too close to something, and the X-Files were closed down. Scully was banished to Quantico, but my mind was still saying to me that Scully was my partner, and I didn't want to work with anyone else. I was very, very angry... and when you showed up I took my anger out on you. In hindsight, which they say is always perfect; I acted like a petulant child who'd had his favourite toy taken away."
I grimaced, and got my emotions under control so that I could carry on talking. "However, during the short time you worked with me, you managed to get under my skin. I didn't want to like you, yet I was starting to trust you... then... well you know most of the rest of the story, so I'll not open old wounds."
I stared at the floor. "The point I'm trying to make is that during the last few hours I have been confronting my feelings. After our shouting match yesterday, Scully said we acted like a pair of two-year-olds having a temper tantrum! And you know what?" I looked up again, to see a small smile playing around his lips, and couldn't help grinning back. "Since then I haven't been able to concentrate, Scully banished me from the office this morning, and, well... after wandering around I went to my room and thought long and hard about our relationship.
That's when I realized why I had held a grudge against you for so long... I cared about you, wanted you...."
I ran my fingers through my hair, "Oh God, Alex, this isn't coming out how I wanted to say this.... I fell so hard for you back then, Alex. Even though I'd only known you for a short time, I was devastated when you disappeared. Devastated and so, so angry that I had allowed myself to be taken in, bewitched, by such a pretty face... and lying there on my bed this afternoon... well, that's when I realized that I had fallen in love with you... and why I couldn't be rational whenever I saw you, hitting out when I should have been calm. I'm sorry, and I hope that you can forgive me, that we can learn to be friends at least."
I turned to go, and was almost at the door when I felt Alex's hand on my shoulder. I allowed myself to be swung around, vaguely wondering if he was going to be the one to throw the first punch this time. Instead he pulled me into a hug, and said, "Mulder," in a gravelly whisper, which did strange things to my libido. My arms went around his body, and hugged him back. Then his lips grazed the side of my neck, and I shivered at the contact... and suddenly we were kissing, his tongue darting into my mouth as I gasped at the feel of his erection grinding into my own.
An unknown amount of time later, I pulled back, and said, "Bed."
He nodded, and somehow we made it across the room, losing our clothes on the way. We both had to let go to get rid of our shoes and socks, but then the groping started up again, and we were both naked by the time we toppled onto the bed. I arched up into his body as he rubbed his erection into the crease where thigh met groin, and it took only a few more thrusts before I was coming harder than I had ever done before, then two more thrusts, and Alex was spilling his seed all over my belly. Then he collapsed on top of me, biting and kissing my neck and shoulder, while I concentrated on munching on the spot where his neck met his shoulder... he'd probably have quite a hickey there in the morning.
He stopped and lifted his head to look me in the eyes. "We going to be okay? You're not going to have any second thoughts?"
I grinned up at him. "I'm not going anywhere, I love you, and want to make love to you for the rest of my life," I stretched up and nipped at his neck.
He pressed me back down, and swiped his tongue across my lips. "That's good, because I love you, too, and now I've got you, I'm not letting you go." He gave me another quick kiss, which I returned with interest, giving him a slap on the butt when he ran his hands down my side so lightly that it tickled.
He laughed and rolled off me. "You do realize," he said. "That only you and I could have used punches as foreplay...."
I frowned, then started laughing too, and finally when I could speak again, I said. "Yeah, must be an X-File."
The next morning we walked into the conference room together, sat down next to each other, and watched as the other members of the committee looked from the hickey on Alex's neck to the one on mine.
Then Frohike leaned over to Langly and whispered loudly, "I told you they only need to get laid."